If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me