My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
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It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power