Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.