dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
The Birdles
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Had an epiphany today.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.