Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
You Might Also Like
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.