Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower