The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
#NoRestForTheWicked
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄