I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX