Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
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<—- homeless romantic
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?