smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
my first dose meeting my second
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on