Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.