GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
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My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Somebody call the cops.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’m not proud
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face