Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’