Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives