[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
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houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out