They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.