If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
You Might Also Like
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile