New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
You Might Also Like
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
✌️
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry