I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
🖤✌🏽
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.