I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
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Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
me when the borders lift
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily