House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
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It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors