Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Things will get butter, keep churning
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything