[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*puts words between two asterisks*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Some people were born into their job.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.