I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
What personal space?
My dog
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations