[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
What
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I love you…
…r dog.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’m being attacked 😭
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”