“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
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my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?