My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*