I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“The Perfect Relationship”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
This was a terrible day, I鈥檓 having live grenades for dinner.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Every husband sings this song 馃槀馃ぃ馃槀 馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
The ending is priceless 馃槅馃槅馃槅
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can鈥檛 wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I鈥檓 gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don鈥檛 know what Feen is.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?