Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
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Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Finished stitching this today 😇
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.