I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
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[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of