I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Always a metermaid never a meter
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.