I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I occasionally drink every single night.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.