[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
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2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Britain be like
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.