[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’