Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
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BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
no such thing as a dumb question
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.