[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up