*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?