I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
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In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*