[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I don’t know what to do
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?