a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
You Might Also Like
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.