Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
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Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him