The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
#dnd #ttrpg
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER