85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…