Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
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Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Ape together strong
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
58.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.