How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
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My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
This cat wants you to take your pills
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.