what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
my nickname in college
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I am HOWLING at this
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.