The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
This week’s mood.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?