I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
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There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.