My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
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A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*