“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch